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It’s easier to fall down a hole than it is to climb up a mountain! I know that is not a real profound statement, but it is a truth that oftentimes gets lost in life, especially in marriages. Let me explain.
Let me start by explaining the difference between a “goal” and a “desire.” I don’t know if “Mr. Webster” (the official dictionary) will agree with my definitions, but here they are anyway. A goal is an “I” word, and a desire is a “We” word. In other words, a goal is something I can do myself, and a desire is something I want, but it requires the participation of another person or persons, hence it is a “we” thing.
Let’s say I set a goal (an “I” thing) to buy a hamburger and a coke since it is almost lunch time. I know my mate will have to eat lunch someplace too, and I would greatly like for her to join me. I can express a desire (a “we” thing) for her to join me. There is nothing wrong with me expressing my desire, but I cannot make it my goal to get her to go with me. When I do, I take a “we” thing and try to make it an “I” thing. I should acknowledge her right to choose whether or not she wants to join me. If she says “No,” and I persist with a variety of attempts to change her mind (offer to pay, take her someplace else she would like better, tell her I will become depressed if she doesn’t go with me, etc.), so that I can get her to do what I want her to do, then I fall into the “Spiral of Manipulation.” I am more interested in what I want than what she wants. The “Spiral of Manipulation” is a “Me-Centered” way of living -- me getting her, and anyone else I set my sights on, to do what I want. It is a downward spiral that will rob my life (and my marriage and my family) of love, joy and peace, as I focus more and more attention on myself, and less and less on anyone else.
On the other hand, let’s say I place my focus on doing for my mate what I believe would bless her according to her previously stated needs or according to the directives of God’s Word, regardless of what I get out of it. In other words, I take the role of a servant in any and all circumstances. My daily goals are molded by my life goal of “walking with Christ.” I can still express my desire for her to join me for a hamburger and a coke, but I allow her the freedom to say “yes” or “no” without becoming hurt, angry or resentful, if she doesn’t do what I want. When I am living life like that, I am involved in the Christ-centered “Spiral of Ministry.” The “Spiral of Ministry” is a “Christ-Centered” way of living – Christ through His Word and by His Spirit accomplishing His purposes in and through me. It is an upward spiral that will bring my life (and my marriage and my family) the love, joy, and peace that are only possible through Christ.
So, you see, it is easier to fall down the “hole” created in our lives by the “Spiral of Manipulation” than it is to climb up the “mountain” of Christ-centered living characterized by the “Spiral of Ministry.” But, let me make another observation. I have discovered that the downward “Spiral of Manipulation” ultimately ends in what can be called the “Spiral of Death” (James 4:1-10; Gal. 5:19-21),and the upward “Spiral of Ministry” transports us into the real “Spiral of Life” (Phil. 2:1-16; Mt. 5:2-12; Gal. 5:16-25).
Manipulation and Ministry are what I refer to as the “M & M’s” of marriage. The one (manipulation) will always “melt in your hand.” In other words, it makes relationships pretty “messy.” The other one (ministry) will always “melt in your mouth.” You will bring to your marriage and your family exactly what God has planned for their greatest blessing.
Have an “M & M.” Which one do you want? |
